I don’t want to impress you.

I don’t want to be (hip, smart, fashionable, funny, pretty, witty, cool, desirable).

I don’t want to be (in this syntactical spot).

I want to do, move, make, feel, listen, welcome, reflect, focus, forgive, revere, explain, give thanks.

I don’t want to be (the subject of someone else’s conclusion).

I want to be the object of the sentence 

in my love letter to you.

I don’t want to impress you.

I want to tell you what impresses me about you. And I want you to listen.

And I want to love each other like that, regardless of social currency and insecurity and what music and clothes we like. I want to see you truly, the parts of you that were with you when you were a child and will be with you when you die, and I want to trace the patterns of your changes together so that we can both understand where you are coming from and where you are going, and feel hope together. I don’t want to ever ever ever say or do a single thing to the purpose of making myself feel like I am more valuable than you.

I want to listen to you sincerely, not ever using your words to my own purpose. I don’t want to use your ideas or personality as a negative space outline around my own -- only paying attention to what I disagree with, or what gives me more certainty of myself. I don't want to plan the next thing I'm going to say while you're still talking. I don't want to interrupt you. I want to reflect as carefully on what you say as if you were a burning bush or some other unmistakeable mouthpiece of God. I want to look you in the eyes.

I want to explain myself clearly, with no motivation other than to share my heart with you because I love and trust you. I don't want to ever say or do something just to cultivate an image of myself in your eyes.

I want to love you, sincerely, open-heartedly, intentionally, humbly. I want to trust you to love me, and I want to care more about connecting with you than I care about looking stupid.

I want to receive the admiration of others with grace, and not be so afraid of inadequacy that I blind myself to the love, and, by extension, hearts and minds, of the people around me.

I want to see myself as truly as I want to see you, and I want to love both with the same purity and devotion.

I want to be brave enough to discuss these things openly, even when they are not well-received and they don't make me look good. I want to be passionate and devoted enough that they never stray too far from my mind, that they come to me when I'm frustrated, self-righteous, insecure, confused, tired, bored, or directionless. 

I want to forgive myself when I don't do what I want. I want to want this more than I want anything else. I want you to know it.

"I want to be a mirror for your whole body

and I never want to be too blind, or to be too old

to hold up your heavy and swaying picture.

I want to unfold.

I don't want to stay folded anywhere,

because where I am folded, there I am a lie

and I want my grasp of things to be 

true before you. I want to describe myself

like a painting I looked at 

closely for a long time,

like a saying I finally understood,

like the pitcher I use everyday,

like the face of my mother."

-Rilke